The number of babies that have been born/conceived in our church since we have been trying for another one. 18.
The number of months that we have been trying. (Same number as trying for Robby)
The day this month that I got another period. Damn.
The number of emotions I feel when asked: "So, how are you doing with the baby thing?" Can I say that I am peaceful, angry, thankful, sad and loved all at the same time? Can I define my very complex heart in a few minutes? (But, please, ask when you want to, I do want to share if I can...or I may decline - but a fun one I am!)
The number of words that will continue to come to my mind when I think about our journey: They are: Thankful. And Wrestling. I am thankful. Thankful that if Robby is our only one, he is an amazing gift. He is passing on the name of his late grandfather killed in the line of duty in Cincinatti. He carries a courageous name; and is continuing the Seiffert male line. I remember telling a friend after we found out it was a boy: "Whew! I just felt all this pressure to pass on the family name - as my husband is the last standing Seiffert male - glad that's taken care of!"
Wrestling. I wrestle with: shouldn't "good Christians" desire to take in the poor, the oppressed, the widow, the broken, the orphan? What is wrong with me that I have a very small desire to adopt - but feel the ache of wanting to bear my own child? Isn't that God's heart? What's wrong with me?
To answer myself: Yes, it's God's heart. Yes, we should want to do these things if that's who we are (Christians). But it doesn't mean we have to "take them in and give them our last name" to quote a dear friend, Sandy. Many other ways to live out God's heart. Also, it is "built in" to want to have your own - it is in our God-made hard-wiring. What's wrong with me: well, clearly a lot. My body does not work well. But I can control my heart-attitude. The inner self. I can still love God and sustain 39 emotions simultaneously.
What are your numbers today?