It's time to get personal. Sometimes I have a good run of photos and updates on our lives and the "maintaining" type of postings. That is great and sweet and captures the spots in life that I hope to savor.
But I started this blog originally because of the birth of my son, the early whirlwind of emotion, the NICU days, the pure need to have an outlet of being open and raw. And the beauty of writing because it lets others know you and it let's me be a little bit more free.
So here we are. Trying. Again. To bring another Seiffert child into the world. The world really needs more Rob Seifferts running around - we would all be better off for it.
It's been 8 months. Nothing. Before we were pregnant with Robby, it was 18 months. Each passing month seems to wear a little bit more on the soul. Seems to rub my heart a little bit more raw. A little bit more confused. Sad. Hopeless.
Which is the dramatic side of things. The hopeless, does God hear me?, maybe Robby will be an only child, maybe my body just won't work how I want it to and we were "lucky" to get one to begin with....side of things.
But there's the sweet side. The very random and unprompted Robbyisms: "When can I be a sister?"
"Well, buddy, you won't ever be a sister...but we can pray right now and ask Jesus to give you a baby brother or sister....."
I lose it every time he prays to be a sister. The tears silently roll and I just ask God that the prayers of this child would be the most faith-filled mustard seed offering that He has heard all day. And that He would move because of it.
I realize that I've been struck by a song lately that I cannot seem to sing all the way through because my voice quivers and the salt down my face is too seasoned for me. It's "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder. (If you google it you can listen to it for free):
He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, And I realise just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so, Oh how He loves us, How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us, Oh! how He loves us, Oh! how He loves us, Oh! how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking. And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss, And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about, the way…
One of the reasons that I cannot seem to finish singing it when we are at church is because I realized that I want God's love to look a certain way. I want Him to love me by giving me another child. I want His love to be under my conditions. Which seems like I then, in turn, want to tell God how He ought to be.
Eek. When I stop and think about it, I don't want to do that at all.
So, there it is. Thanks for listening on this cold yet cozy winter's eve of the Advent Season. The season of Waiting. I am waiting for our Savior. I am waiting for a baby. I am waiting for God to change my heart.