With a gift I go

Can I get a hand raised? I might turn into a charismatic by the time this is all over. This one is about God and pulling back the curtain....giving me a peak behind the scenes. He doesn’t have to. I don’t deserve any help with my journey with expanding our family, with more motherhood, with anything, really. By God’s very grace I breathe. Anything more - a gift. You ready for this? Here’s a little story…

It’s this past Autumn. The leaves are burnt umber and you can smell the firewood; hear the bullfrogs. Listen to the song of Summer’s final note.

I was worshipping God at our monthly Oasis night that my husband leads for our Cru ministry on campus. It’s just a Friday night to just sit, be, pray, listen, think, praise. And there I sat, in tears, asking: “Why God? I am so sad. This empty womb is sad to my heart. I’d love another.”

I then clearly thought God said, well, impressed on my heart: “It’s by My grace that you are not pregnant.” Not pregnant. By God’s grace. What does that mean? Did you really say that? Should I think I’m crazy? And then I felt like He added: “Death to self comes in pieces.”

If you are still reading, thanks. I might think I’m a nutjob, too.

So, I wrote it down. Dated it. Tucked it away. If it’s true, it’s true. If it’s God, it’s God. Time to wait.

Fast forward to a month ago. It’s going on a year of trying and Rob has gotten tested; thumbs up all around for those swimmers. Great job, babe. So, it’s me. I’m the one that seems to be holding us back with procreating. Whatsagirltodo? Gonna do some tests…but I just don’t feel like seeing how deep the rabbit hole might go. The thought is enervating. And I started to ask God to confirm what I thought I heard in the Autumn.

And my dear friend is praying for us, again. Wrestling, really. Asking God why? She believes God impresses on her about me: “I’m protecting her.”

She came to me, nervous, ready to share this word for me but afraid for a few reasons. It’s probably not what I want to hear. What if she’s wrong…what does it mean…. We share a moment in my backyard, our sweet kiddos playing together.

Peace, like a cool fresh breeze, winds around my hair as I stand there. But I’m not quite sure I know it’s peace. It feels cool, light, good. (I’ve mentioned that I have felt a lightness lately, as if the heaviness has lifted in this journey right now.) More weight seemed to lift.

So now what? Now what with all the “words” from God? All the impressions? The Bible talks about testing everything, holding on to what is good. (1 Thes. 5:19-21) The testing: Do they line up with God’s Word – the Bible? Check. Do I trust the person who delivers it and their journey with God? Check. (well, one is me….hmmm….) Does it resonate with my spirit? Check.

So here I am. Peaceful. Not feeling rushed. Wide-eyed. Curious. Thankful. If God is protecting me, then I feel loved. Protection and Love are tethered. Unified. That is sweet.

So sweet that God is protecting me and it’s by His grace. (At this point I am choosing to believe it.) Ahhh…but the speculation. Protecting me from what? Myself? Others? My body? Pain, emotional or otherwise?

There it is. Still walking it out by faith. With a gift as I go. Still questions. Still asking: how do you want us to expand our family? And how does my motherhood fit with my strengths, gifts, future? How do I go forward medically? With potential foster/adopt anything?

Either way, thankfulness wraps my heart. Like a pink, cellophane wrapper, crinkling as I walk, reminding me whose I am. Loved. Protected. Sweet.