My last post was all I could write. A little piece on change. Graduation. Marriage. Death of a loved one. Motherhood. Haircuts (for real). Job Change. Moving.....
The art of transition involves grieving. And grieving involves just sitting in the loss. The sadness. Sitting in the dark - and just being there. Naming what you lost. (Identity? Purpose? Comfort? Security?)
No lights. Don't let others flip the switch and attempt to usher you to daylight..... graciously tell them: "Thanks, but I'm not there yet."
My counselor and dear friend told me a few thoughts on grief in transition as I move from being the Team Leader on our Cru Staff team to an IVSM: Involved Volunteer Staff Mother (I just made that up), still on the team, but not co-captaining the ship. 8 years of this position. If it were a baby, it has gone from helpless and diapers to reading, running, doing gymnastics, writing poetry, thinking about the world. A lot happens in 8 years.
Thoughts on grief:
-It is lonely. Even if you share the loss of a mutual daughter, a mom and dad have separate journeys with separate time lines and separate griefs. No one can fully relate. (Awesome.)....Aah, but doesn't my God? Psalm 139....
-Figure out exactly what you are grieving. Try to make a succinct statement of it for others. Right now: "It's hit me harder than I expected. I am grieving identity and purpose."
-Don't let others turn the light on in your darkness. It's not time to dream of what's next until you take care of grieving. Grief is pay me now or pay me later. I'd prefer removing the rock in my shoe now, than taking care of a hip issue as I compensated for the rock in my shoe all those years I refused to grieve.
-I need meds. And they are: Time and Talk. Time is just....well....time. No one can give that to me. Talk....finding safe people who will just listen to what I am thinking about.
"Grief is a necessary skill in life." - Tim. My friend has so much wisdom here....as he's lost one of his very own daughters.
When I found out I was pregnant with Olive, I heard God whisper....it's time to surrender your role. Gulp. That's not what He said, is it? I think I just have some indigestion.....not a real stirring from God in my soul on this, right? One too many burritos?
Be "more home." (More home - less brain space as the leader, less responsibility, less, less, less - not necessarily time) They are only young once. That's what I heard in my spirit.
What's next, you may ask? I'm not there yet. (wink) Well - I know a few things: I will stay working on the Cru staff team. I plan to Home School Robby and be involved in a co-op. And that's all the "plans" I am allowed to make right now.
My dear friend, Lori Wagner put on a major celebration night for me - and it was quite healing to remember. How sweet!
Steve (referenced earlier this month) mentioned I was standing on the dock, looking out at the wide, huge ocean and unsure where I should go, what port to get off on. Yep. I feel that. But, it seems, I may be standing on the dock of a while. Looking back and sitting in all I gave up. Tomorrow's freedom is the surrender of today.
Anyone out there currently grieving? I know there will be many opportunities - little griefs (omg - my hair!) to big griefs.....