"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." -Psalm 62:1-2
Day 18 in the NICU today.
This morning I realized that I cannot find any rest in what the nurse says to me when I call each morning. Her news seems to be said with little compassion and pure forthrightness: "He had another Brady episode, a Desat during feeding and he choked. But he's fine."
He choked, but he's fine?
That sentence does not sit well with me and no new mom wants to hear that. How is choking "fine"? So I hang up the phone, get ready to drive up to the NICU and spend the day in there with him, watching him sleep in between feeds, and I have to really order my mind well. I have to sit and count all the beautiful things about my son:
-He busted his birth weight yesterday: now 5 lbs. 12.5 ounces. Weight gain like this is excellent.
-He is a breastfeeding champion and has zero problems with this type of feeding.
-He is starting to have awake times with us: He spent about an hour awake yesterday looking at me and looking around the sterile, windowless environment - seemingly impressed. I started to tell him about things like trees and beaches and beauty that blows the NICU away. Not like he can really see much now.
-The ONLY thing holding him back is bottle-feeding. He is such "an aggressive sucker" that he gulps the very fast-moving bottle and the milk builds up and he forgets to breath and spits it all up. This is an extreme comfort. He does all of life well otherwise
.-He has all ten fingers and all ten toes and the most perfect little face. His nose is simply edible. He's my little sac of sugar. My turkey wrap.
-I have been able to rest (mostly full nights sleep) and heal well because he is in the NICU and I cannot stay with him. Really hard for my soul but helpful to my body.
We know that the bottom line reality is that he will be out someday. They initially told us to expect to have him in there until his due date (July 4), but then most nurses on the side said: "Oh, he'll be out WAY before that...he's strong and healthy and improving well."
I suppose if we have to wait 42 days until he comes home, then we just do. Some parents have been visiting their children for over 3 months now. The NICU is a pretty emotionally charged place and I sometimes feel like I walk right through thick waves of sadness, despair, hope, love from other families who are trying to create their living room in there, too.....it's overwhelming.
One of my prayers for today is that the doctor will want to send him home because this only happens when he bottle feeds. The nurses mentioned that they will emphasize this to our doctor since he will be breastfeeding. And the nurses say babies just thrive when they get home. Thanks for praying for him.
22 days until his due date......