Reflecting on one year ago....(read 4th)

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for, certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1
Day 22.

I am fighting for words today.

Robby had a Brady episode while breast feeding with me yesterday with about 12 hours to go in the proposed 48 hour plan. It was all I could do to hold myself together before I could put him down to leave the hospital and weep.

He simply is gulping too much too fast, drops his oxygen level and then the alarm sounds off on his screen. 

Leaving Robby every night continues to grate on my emotions. I have to constantly battle against guilt for leaving my child with several other caretakers besides me over night. I sit and wonder: does he feel abandoned? When he wakes up and wants his mom but gets another unfamiliar nurse does this heighten his anxiety? Do they cuddle with him when they feed him? I have watched the nurses with other babies in that room and some are sweet and tender  and talk to them and cuddle and others are all business - staring off into space as they feed them and then on to the next baby.

He is showing all the signs of thriving so I will choose to believe his is doing just fine. I am not guilty for leaving him, I have no other option. (They will be finished with the new NICU this January where each child will have their own suite with a bed and a sink for parents to stay if they would like to). The nurses are for him and not against him. 

However, on top of many other things, some of the nurses have been a big hurdle for me.  I had a showdown the other day with an abrasive nurse who told me to feed 10 minutes on each side and be done. This is completely opposite of what the lactation consultant had said a week ago, as well as every breast feeding book I have read (let him feed as long as he wants, up to 40 minutes, on one side to receive the initial foremilk and  then the good, fatty hindmilk)

Her and I argued in the middle of the NICU room until I left in tears. This is extra stress I simply do not need.
I called the lactation consultant into the NICU room the next day and asked her the same questions again. I then told her that her nursing staff is proposing otherwise. She was an advocate for me and Robby and educated this nurse before she left. I was so thankful. I was quickly running out of graciousness while standing up for myself and caring for my son.
Thank you for praying. 
I guess Robby just needs more time.
19 days until his due date....