Empty continued

Yesterday's post was out of anger. Disappointment. Loss. Have you ever been to a place in your heart of extreme doubt? Of scary callousness? Of a just screw-it (or insert choice word) attitude? And as you are weeping you start crying for all the pain you've ever experienced....all the hurt of those dear to you that have suffered great and appreciable loss....of being misunderstood.....of those suffering from a Haitian earthquake....of the ugly sex-trade of beautiful, innocent 5 year old girls....of the endless evils many face daily?

I was/am there.

Feeling isolated in my emotion and ready to bite off anything (or anyone) in my line of vision - I took a walk. I walked about a mile in my small town and I stopped on a wooded path. The sun was starting to set. Patches of snow and green were sewn together in landscape serenity. Beauty jolted me from my pitiful inner self.

The trees silenced me. I stood and stared up and let my neck hurt from craning at their confident glory. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be an oak of righteousness. Firmly planted. Not hardly shaken. Patient and basking in the seasons. Poised in the winter. Assured in the dead, cold, hard winter.

I wanted to blend in with them and stay very still and forget everything and just Be.

Beauty has a way with me. God will use it to silence me. To listen to me. To accept me. I had a moment, while shaking my fist, of fear that God was shaking His fist at me, too.

But then the trees told me that my childish rants are not like Him. He is strong. He is powerful. He is set-apart, or holy. He is just plain bigger.

There's not much else to say.

I don't feel resolved, really. I feel conflicted in wanting to give life to others in conversation, in laughter, in love  - but then in also wanting to remove myself from any sign of life. I do know that beauty met me......and it is not my creation that silenced me.

Beauty remembered me. I am not forgotten even if I feel that way.